There is no simple solutions. Understand, any defiance from the family is just 'noise'. It's their way to stay in denial and boy can they make noise! Sometimes you hear the comment "They did the best they could." Truthfully, they didn't want to try and the question to ask is -What do they get out of continuing to pretend the family is ok?
Just because you turn on the lights doesn't mean there weren't roaches in the room! You know as well as I do, especially in this business-- you are as sick as your secrets. You did the right thing to take any and all actions to protect a child.
Keep at it, continue to live authentically and know one day they will 'get it'. I honor your movement and you should be proud of your children, they haven't sold out. I will pray for you and your family. Robert H. RCA
"I had to stand up to both my mom and brother. He was an alcoholic, mom babied him, gave him money, even drank with him. It was hard for me-- a lot of guilt was thrown my way because I wouldn't stand for my brothers behavior. They would say horrible things like; you need help, you need to talk to someone, you must be sick, you better go to church, mind you're own business, who do you think you are, you're judgemental, you think you are better than us... Years later and in the end mom made me, rather than my brother, executor of her will. Mom admitted everything and worried her son would drink the money away. Too bad mom couldn't address the problem before she died. Somebody needed help but it wasn't me. " Marilyn S.
"No one in my family would speak up to my mom in our home. Now mom is dead (she died a few months ago) and Dad calls now-- he hasn't called any of us (adoptees) for years. Too bad mom had to die... Do you think I would have had throat cancer if I could have spoken up?" Cathy O
"After we visited The Conscious Connection and heard about The Authentic Movement, I asked my son if I should have spoken up to his (now deceased) father. " 'Yes mom." was his response. "I knew, I knew all along but just couldn't get myself to say the things I should have. Maybe if there was some sort of support like this Authentic Living movement I would have had more courage. All those years... " Joan L
"Two days after hearing the Authentic Living movement life stories I knew I had to deal with my families issues. I realized my own son was learning and getting the message from his cousin that it was OK to be 'bad' and that you get inappropriate attention even rewards when you are getting into trouble. My niece is no longer allowed in our home until she cleans up her drug addiction. Although, a small step, in my family it is the beginning of an intervention. My niece is very upset with us, using many swear words and the like. Hopefully she will soon recognize we want the best for her and that being an addict is not appropriate around our home. We no longer want to watch as she destroys her life. She's such a lovely girl with so much potential. I hope this helps her to turn herself around." Shawn S.
In response to the above, "You are doing the right thing. I know, my son was in trouble with drugs. Over 7 years, I helped him, gave him money, fed his addictions and watched my husband have open heart surgery. The hardest thing I have ever done was to stand up and not break down again. I told everyone, "Don't open the door, he is not welcomed here. " It broke my heart, it looked like I didn't care, what kind of mother was I? That was several years ago, my son has been sober for four years now." Maria S.
I very much appreciated the role Dr. Anna played in helping my son learn some important lessons. Dr. Anna confronted him regarding some troubling behaviors. She tried to make sure that his actions had natural consequences. I think she made a real contribution towad Scott's development even if he didn't always like it.
In my experience with Sudbury Schools, most staff members and even students' parents avoid confronting students and adults regarding their behavior. (I include myself in this group.) Sudbury staff members tend to place such value on freedom and tolerance that they tolerate inappropriate behavior. Fortunately, a minority of staff members are not like this. They are very important in fostering students' growth and developement. Without them, a few students and adults can drag a whole school down. From what I could see, Dr. Anna appeared to be the person at Spring Valley who fearlessly confronted inappropriate behavior. Stuart W.
"My story isn't as heartfelt as the stories I heard. Maybe I'm lucky, time won't drag by with years of unresolved family issues. I don't think I would have been able to stand up to my cousin if I hadn't heard about The Authentic Movement. I now have more courage to speak up to my cousin. I know I'm not on her best friends list right now but we certainly enjoyed celebrating her son's graduation from military..." MB. K
"Wow, The similarities in the stories are astounding. It's amazing the tremendous sacrifices people will make just to avoid the truth. To me, the truth is sooooo easy. It is what it is...simply. What's difficult is all the mental and emotional contortions that people choose to endure in order to avoid the truth. Unbelievable how so many will band together to perpetuate the dishonesty. Wow. How do you ever fix that? A large, misguided group constantly reinforcing each other. They really need each other, don't they? Way more than they need somebody to come along and rock their boat...Yikes. Abbi C.
"All truth passes through three stages. First it is ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed; third, it is accepted as being self-evident." Schoepenhauer
What are the limits to family loyalty?
What does a parent do when he or she discovers illegal wrongdoing by a child? Or a brother who realizes one of his siblings is involved in criminality? James Cavallo, acting police chief in Moore Township, Pennsylvania, had to face that choice directly last week when he realized, studying the photos of a bank robbery, that he recognized the suspect….his son. “I knew I had to do it,” Chief Cavallo said Friday. “There was no question about it.” Chief Cavallo said his son had told him that he was high on cocaine on Tuesday when he went into a local bank, handed the teller a note claiming he had a gun and left with $6,000.Cavallo had become concerned that his son was slipping back into a cocaine habit that had plagued him in the past. He told the AP, “being arrested is the first step of intervention for a lot of people.”“Some of them get into jail and they get rehabilitated, they learn stuff. And the other half, they go in there and they learn how to be a better criminal. I just hope he takes the path of learning what he did and kicking his habit. The most important lesson he can learn is that he has to be responsible for what he did.” Silence was certainly an option for Chief Cavallo; he could have rationalized that his son was going to be caught sooner or later and that he didn’t need to intervene.
Even when there seems no alternative but to contact the authorities, there can be hesitation. David Kaczynski has written about two nightmares he faced—the first, realizing that his older brother Ted, who he had admired and respected, was the Unabomber, and the second, trying to figure out his own response: “…what should we do? Say nothing and run the risk that my brother might attack others? Or alert the FBI knowing that the Unabomber would likely face execution?”David Kaczynski fought to keep his brother from being executed for his crimes. Ted Kaczynski’s lawyers were successful in blocking the death penality for the Unabomber. David Kaczynskipenalty adds: Would I do it again, knowing what I know now? The answer is yes. I believe that we probably saved lives. I trust the values and ethics that moved us to do what we did. I know that it would be a mistake to use others’ failures as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility. The truth is a very powerful thing. I believe there’s no possibility of overcoming evil with evil, falsehood with silence, violence with indifference. If we want to change the world for the better, we must put ourselves on the line. That David Kaczynski and his family struggled with meeting that responsibility is all the more proof of how deeply loyalty runs, and how flawed it can be.
How can you join the Authentic Living Movement? See Workshops for the Authentic Living Movement.